CA Crapper Caper
I will never forget the 354 CA Crapper Caper. Modern plumbing has not really made its way to Baghdad, including the former palace facilities of Saddam’s family. My unit’s HQ was in a former villa in the Abu Ghraib Palace Complex. Next to my office was a toilet in name only – the unit had porta-potty for real business. This place was only for show.
Every day, we had a Navy Captain in my unit drop by for the Battle Update Brief (the BUB) right after breakfast. Just before the BUB he would leave a deposit in head and then go into see the Colonel. The problem was the FAE cloud that would hover in the vicinity for the next hour. We tried polite signs, but some O-6s apparently cannot read. After a few days, the insurgents struck….
We first super-glued the lid closed. He pried it open.
So we next stole the toilet seat and told him that the new infantry unit had taken it. He perched on the rim and placed an order with supply for a replacement. We intercepted his order.
So then we lubed the toilet rim up with machine oil. He persevered.
We disconnected the handle. No dice.
We hid all the toilet paper, so he brought some in. We stole it. So he started bringing his own roll.
We then turned off the water to no avail. He continued to make his attacks for the rest of the tour perched on the rim complaining about the supply system and the inefficient convoy system that couldn’t get a
replacement lid or a steady supply TP for a senior officer.
As we neared the end of deployment, we police taped the scene and told him that KBR was disconnecting the sewer connection.
He kept complaining to my boss, but he wouldn’t rat us out. He did tell me we needed to put the seat back before we ended up on the wrong side of a green table.
I told my Captain, that my boys would put it right.
We scrounged up a hospital toilet bowl (the plastic bowl that your specimen’s are collected in for examination) and mounted it to the old seat. He went ballistic.
By then our relief had shown up and it was time to square this head away. So we installed a seat again, that is we had scrounged and installed one of those handicap toilet seat extenders that that raises the seat a good 5 inches off the rim. The good Captain topped out about 5’5″ so we also provided him with a step to climb onto his perch. We also made a little sign that said “O-6 Dump Zone” and placed it above the throne. The next morning he went nuts – good thing we were leaving and he couldn’t shoot straight.
As a parting shot, we sent him a picture of my JAG officer with the stolen toilet lid hanging around his neck in a last act of defiance. My deputy slipped in the day we bugged out and replaced the seat with the original.
P.S. Aside from his morning ritual he was a good guy who looked after the troops and went out of his way to get my guys the recognition they deserved. I would happily serve again with him as along as we can keep the head a least a block away from me.